It seems like as every school year begins anew we all make an inventory of how we have changed in the past 365 days, how we have grown, how we have matured. I’m starting my senior year of high school this year, and I’ve noticed once more how much I’ve changed but also how much other people have changed around me or how our interactions have changed as time slowly enveloped our lives in tandem.

I’ve seen myself grow distant to some people while growing close to others, and I find myself completely taken aback by my newly developed opinions of certain people. How much a year can shape my vision of somebody, how a pest, an annoyance, could become one of my closest comforts, how an almost divine figure of perfection could become the pinnacle of my dissatisfaction, my hopelessness, my utter disappointment.

Nothing has been laid before me so plainly as the raw, primal and instinctual want for affection, for power, for acceptance, for all the traits that would equate happiness through possessions and objects of admiration. Nothing has so deeply affected me as this sense of unbalanced personality, knowing that what I need and what I want aren’t the same thing, and furthermore, that what I should need is different from either of these. That I am weak enough to feel sorry for myself when I had no control over the circumstances, that I am weak enough to blame myself for things I had no part in drives me crazy. I live unaffected by things that deal entirely with my emotional health and infatuated with things that deal with my wealth and achievements.

Why am I pressured into this way of living? Disregarding judgmental eyes and zealous expectations, my lifestyle has remained almost unchanged. Then, a more fitting question would be “Why do I pressure myself into this way of thinking?”

Could it be that I am as superficial as the next person and that I am just created from the same mold as everyone else? I should hope that I’ve achieved some sense of originality. Could it be that I live in a world of false hope and standards? I should hope that the world is a brighter and more ambitious place than that.

What is it then? What can it be? Why am I changed in such a drastic way?

I see people differently than before but as similar as ever. I view my emotions and thoughts and beliefs as changed but unchanged. The world is an unfamiliar yet homely place.

I wonder if I’ve even changed or if I just believe I have. Am I creating this paranoia? Am I creating my own criticism? Why am I tiring myself over something that might not even exist?

And I am tired! I am weary of the growing mundaneness of these thoughts and that I am fixated so intensely. How can I have changed? I am immovable. I am the essence of sameness. How can I see something or someone as differently as I ever have? Perhaps I subconsciously want to change so that I can say I’ve changed over the years. Ultimately I am the same person, but a part of me wants to have grown to be something different, and that might be my struggle: I’ve grown bored of myself and want a variant form of the same me.

If this is true, then how sad of an existence is that? That I need to change myself just to feel accepted is almost sickening. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if the need to change is just another natural happening. It would seem so, but I’m hesitant of giving it such a simple reason. Then again, the simplest reason is most often correct…

NV

UPDATE: It would seem like this is an entirely unintelligible rant that concluded nothing and only succeeded in confusing myself further as I continued to write it.

I sat down, stuck in between my sister and a stranger, awaiting the much-anticipated sixth Harry Potter film. Previews for movies I’d probably wait for their DVD release flashed on and off. The stranger next to me, a rather robust woman, complained about something or other to her less-than-amused boyfriend. I tried to concentrate on the preview playing before me: I think it was 500 Days of Summer (which I’m actually really excited for).

That’s when the unspeakable happened.

I leaned instinctively to the left, taking a retrospectively way-too-long drink from the soda sitting in the cup holder. Harmless as this small action may seem, it would forever change my life…

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that dramatic. I took a sip from the drink to my left and as I was withdrawing back to my seat, the woman next to me noticed I still had my hand on the drink. “Excuse me, that’s my drink, ” she says.

No wonder it tasted like diet coke. I’m used to my drinks sitting comfortably in the left cup holder. Here I was thinking that it was the worst Pibb Extra ever! Nope. Instead, it was some woman’s nasty diet coke (which wasn’t really helping with her.. um, weight situation…) Great. Now, I’m muttering to her an apology and wondering if I should get a check-up soon. “Oh wow! I thought that was mine. Good thing I hadn’t taken a drink yet…” I tell her as I feebly laugh it off. I turn to my sister, mouthing “I did drink it!”

She bursts out laughing. I sink into my seat, embarrassed to no end. The sneaking suspicion that the woman knows what I did burns a hole in my conscious. She switches seats with her boyfriend. Oh, she definitely knows…

Getting past that regrettable experience, let’s talk about Harry Potter!

"You shall not PASSSS!!!" Oh wait... wrong movie.

To start off, I’d like to say that it was an enjoyable movie, and I know that what I write below won’t change the views of any fanatics/pseudofans of the series (since half of the fans haven’t even read the books, or haven’t read them since they were 12).

Okay, that’s over with…

What happened to my beloved Harry Potter books? I remember creating a fantastic world within my imagination while reading the books. Now, I’m left wondering where’d all the fantastic-ness go? It felt like this movie was more about Ron’s crazy girlfriend than anything else. What happened to the awesome quidditch match? Oh, hang on, I almost forgot; there was about thirty seconds of that, and that was really satisfying…

What happened to Hogwarts this year? Granted, I didn’t mind it when they stopped wearing robes in exchange for some Muggle clothes because I know that these films need to appeal to a modern audience, but where did the magical nuances from the from the first movies go? I felt like Hogwarts was turned into any old castle you could find on a roadtrip through Europe. Sure, there were CG floating candles and an atmosphere-mimicking ceiling, but where were the moving staircases and random people living in a canvas world (paintings, for the metaphorically challenged)?

What happened to the epic battle at the end of the book? I wanted wizards fighting! Where’d the wand-waving go? I wanted to see the students take on the death eaters, racing through the halls shouting obscure Latin words at each other!

But no, this is not the Harry Potter David Yates dreamed up (or should I say conjured up? Nah, this movie isn’t even worth that much effort). I understand that the books got darker and more mature, but if you’re going to make it dark, maybe you should have some things that actually make the viewer think things aren’t going so well. Kind of like how Rowling created a story revolving around Harry’s connection with Voldemort, hence the whole “travel the world with Dumbledore” and peering into the pensieve thing. Half the film was so happy-go-lucky, if you took an incredibly long bathroom break (I’m not judging) that only allowed you to see half the movie, you might not even know something bad was going down. Also, maybe you should’ve had more scenes of Malfoy struggling with his task, rather than him sending fruit and birds through a magical cabinet. I mean, Tom Felton is clearly one of the better young actors of the troupe; give him a more serious role. He went from typical Malfoy to whimpering Draco without any internal struggle other than a quick bathroom breakdown (followed by a bloody duel with the Chosen One—oops, spoiler! Read the book, people!)

You’d think that the extra time they spent developing the movie would’ve meant that they were actually putting effort into making it truer to the book. While some may argue that the movies and the books are two separate entities, I want to remind them that, well, they aren’t. The movies are interpretations of the books. That’s just how it is. It’s the same story, same universe, same characters. Yet, it seems like the books and the movies are actually becoming two entirely different things. Harry Potter is supposed to be magical; it’s supposed to be spectacular; it’s supposed to be freakin’ Harry Potter!

What we get, however, is something entirely different. I want to say that half an hour was devoted to scenes of Ron being molested by a psycho girlfriend and another half hour devoted to sassy one-liners that I could’ve gotten at any number of movies coming out in the next three weeks. Translate an intricate plot into a shaky outline, put in some nice summer-blockbuster-y special effects, add a touch of teen angst, and put together an overqualified senior cast and you’ve got a recipe for succe—wait, no—suck.

If you never read the book, then this movie would be awesome (albiet slightly confusing and rather empty). If you have read the book then hopefully you also see that so much is missing, though I doubt that too many will complain.

I really hope the seventh book will be better mirrored on the silver screen than the past three have been. Emma Watson said jokingly that she’d like to play Professor McGonagall if they ever made a remake in thirty years, but something inside me kind of wants a remake that will truly satisfy my need for a faithful adaptation of the books.

NV

Staying up late tonight. No apparent reason. Insomnia. Confused biological clock. Read an hour’s worth of Ralp Waldo Emerson. Eyes were tired but the mind was not. Alarm rings in seven hours. Movie in the morning. Sleep?